3.20
The moment I feel the most alive is when I write.
I was struggling and I’ll keep struggling: this is the constant price for looking into a bigger world that is bigger than where your eye sight could originally reach.
I was born with a wrong tongue,
that has to be fixed to speak with the correct accent
we speak Mandarin, our English is mandarin style of English that
is never used to communicate but
to imprison ourselves with grades, endless comparisons and stupid meritocracy that only rewards who are already privileged
Mandarin English is the correct English
While I
saw the embarrassment of having a tongue that cannot speak to other people and was embarrassed by my confidence of
communicating with others in mandarin English
So I decided to
Listen to radio everyday
When I just woke up and can’t open my eyes yet, my hand reached to my phone and opened the radio on the language learning app
When I took a shower
When I was in the queue in school cafeteria
When I was on the bus and one day
my tongue is finally fixed
It is an English tongue now
But kids laughed at it because we suppose to be speaking poor broken mandarin English
Now I’m in somewhere that everybody has an English tongue, so
Not having one indeed becomes a problem even though people don’t say it I
sense it I
thought the struggle has long ended because I have a tongue that speaks English but no
I’m still learning the meaning of
the slangs
the taste of
the snacks that I never had but others grew up with
the
abbreviations in text
and
the reliability of “let’s do something together next time”
3.22
不一定只有浪漫的爱才是爱
不一定那样的爱才最伟大
我愿意陪着你
同样也可以不论状态 地点和时间
没有契约的契约 偶尔不需要去守护
因为我常常想起你
如此是相互的就最为完满
但我不会因为想要得到而去付出
5:10pm
I’m arriving in New York, looking out of the airplane window pane. There’s no sun today; things look a bit gloomy. It weirdly gives me a really, really familiar feeling. It’s like someday after school when I was younger. You could feel the warmness rising from the ground and also a smell of dust because we’re so relieved to finish the day and get home. It’s like we were on our way back home from field trip. We put on the curtains on the bus and forced to stay quiet all the way, even though someone really did fall asleep. It’s like my first time ever taking a plane. It’s indeed my first time taking a plane alone, abroad, going on a trip that was not forced by anybody, but initiated by myself.
3.25
I saw my dad’s face on my face. I saw the line of my lips matches with his. Thus I saw my awkwardness, my timidity and a feel of inferiority since he made the same faces when he had those feelings too.
I can’t write about New York. I can’t write about how happy I was about the trip. Euphoria married with tremendous pain. The trip had ended.It led to identity and existential crisis, self-doubts and a feeling of losing myself. I’m like a tree that was cut open in half, trying hard to protect my stump from being cut cuz a tree won’t grow if it loses it.
4.13
真的很喜欢夏天。有离别，有新的遇见，情感像这季节里一阵一阵的热浪，又像傍晚夹杂冷气的风。饭后的寒暄乱糟糟的，偶尔你想尽快脱身，但那份安全感让你不由自主在人群里就那样站着。喜欢那些绵延不断的分别，在不灭的路灯下，陪伴对方走到车站，地铁站，或者是小区门口。那些时刻你有想说的，在纠结着该不该说出口。
夏天没过完的时候，你总是有地方可以去，人们总是还在你身边。对事情的喜欢其实大过于这个季节。心和气温一样躁动，有很多期待，有很多要想要做的。